I have been dying to put these nasty words in print because I feel them too often. Looking back over the past 5 years - I am still amazed that I keep coming back (after brief stints of believing I'll never work in the field again) to the field I work in... maybe someday I'll get "smart", or harden up, or find a really good support group.
My dear Fidel hears my complaints & my comrades in this field hear my whine, and they feel the same frustrations too ....
Days like today.. "This job really sucks shit".
I skipped school because my normally high tolerance for crap had reached its limit (and that is really rare) & I couldnt see myself sitting for 3 hours listening to sociological theorizing with the way I was feeling. Reality was kicking in & I just wanted to go & chill & spend some time with Fidel in the glorious September sun where crap was not going to be a part of it life. A place where I could let it all go. A couple of hours in normality, walking with the man who has been away for 2 years.
Where did "client service" disappear to ? Why do idiots take everything you say in good faith and twist it around to badness? Why do I constantly hit my forehead against the proverbial wall to help, only to be shit upon again and again. Why are some people so ensconced in their castles that they make my life (and my client's lives) so miserable? Why does it take one bad morning to erase a month of good - at least in your head & heart?
Early days in school, I had comments on my report cards that stated that I was too sensitive. I've always known that & hated it to be pointed out... I knew it and dealt with it. Its not a fault (like they made it sound). I have always taken injustice to others and myself a bit too far at times and it has at times ended up having me just wanting to tell everyone to go to hell because I cant deal with their bullshit anymore. But I don't. And years of practice -my way of working problems usually works .
My moral ground is high & I give a lot, but I expect a lot. That is where I am constantly disappointed & I have not yet learned my lesson & I hope I never will, because it keeps me honest. But days like today I wonder why I even bother. Days like today I think about making distinctions between people & ultimately the service I give them because of what I know the outcome will be, the personality issues, etc. After all - why should I suffer because others are... bad thoughts, and my forehead is looking a bit flat at times. People playing political games... Am I a peon ? Or do I have true responsibility for what I do ?
Guess my problem is that I care too much, and really do believe in transparency - tell it all, the good bad & the ugly, and we will work it out... that is what everyone deserves to hear... honesty & integrity & in my fairytale world; I expect the same from my clients. When I get it, I am very surprised & believe the world isn't that bad after all, and things do work out :) I believe sooo much in everyone .... lets leave it at that..... just that it hits me like a brick wall in the wrong way most times, when reality check comes in.
Days like today... I wonder why I keep at it. I was looking to apply for a job as " Senior Fairness Consultant"..*sheesh* I wonder what shit that entails.
Days like today shake my faith in people & in my approach to my work.
It will be alright by Monday.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Posted by MedStudentWife at 10:12 PM